gerisullivan | Sensible: Another Word for Old

I hates it, I hates it I do.

Grumble, grump, stampfoot, and All That Jazz...

The background: I have a bum gallbladder. Same-day, laparoscopic surgery to have it removed is scheduled for Monday, June 1st.

elaine_brennan has been keeping me company through all of the medical appointments and tests of the last 11 days. It's been reassuring to have her readily at hand should the need for a quick trip to the emergency room arise. Fortunately, a low-fat diet seems to be doing the trick in terms of avoiding additional attacks.

After surgery, I'll be convalescing at

debgeisler and

benveniste's.

It's good, so good, to have friends.

I'm not thrilled about the gallbladder problems, but that's not what I'm grumbling about. Not directly, anyway.

The surgeon gave his okay for my trip to ConQuesT this weekend. There are no guarantees I'd be able to stay out of the ER, he reminded me, but if I felt like going, sure, go.

I left his office feeling like I was living the charmed life. Everything is on track for the surgery, and it wasn't going to mess with my trip to Kansas City. Yes, having to be super careful and only have a small taste of Jack Stack's Lamb BBQ and Sheridan's Frozen Custard would be a hardship, but it would be a manageable one. Seeing everyone and enjoying the convention would be well worth it. Having a bunch of fun between the health problems that led to the diagnosis and the surgery to fix it seemed like just the thing. Escapism R Us.

My euphoria lasted through the rest of last Thursday, all day Friday, and even into Saturday morning.

By Saturday afternoon, I was distinctly dragging. Energy, what energy? A restorative bath turned into an immediate need to lay down when I discovered just how wobbly I was on my feet at the end of it. Elaine brought me an English muffin with some whole fruit topping. (1 gram fat total) I hoped it was just a food problem after so many days of a sparse diet. Maybe it was, some, but I had protein later that night and was still utterly wiped all day Sunday. Likewise Monday, even though I was eating reasonably well.

malibrarian warned me to expect to feel like this much of the time between now and the time of surgery before I mentioned having any problems with energy levels and the like. Oh, joy. Not.

I gave myself one more day to be sure, waiting until after today's pre-surgery physical to take action on what I knew what the right decision.

lesliet_ma invited Elaine and I to the Garden in the Woods today and we enjoyed our midday stroll through the seasonal blooms. It felt positively decadent to have our own, personal tour guide. Thanks, Leslie!

My energy was reasonable through that and the picnic lunch we shared after our relaxed, mile-long walk. It was even fine through the physical, but it was hard to resist the lure of a nap when Elaine and I returned to Toad Woods. And now, I just want to sleep.

Last week, I figured I'd give myself until the moment I boarded the plane to decide not to go. After the last 3-4 days, I realized that the decision had flipped. Much as I want to go, it's simply not sensible to do so. At this point, there really isn't anything that can change that would make it sensible. Better to cancel now and give

npulsifer as much time as possible to find a replacement moderator for the blogs and fanzines panel that looks like such fun. Yes, I want to go to ConQuesT, but I want to go under conditions that simply aren't going to exist for me this year. Flying to Kansas City only to spend the weekend sleeping as much as humanly possible or completely wearing myself out trying to do even the basics would be nothing more than an exercise in frustration and annoyance with myself.

That's the best I could expect. Ending up in the ER and having the surgery in Kansas City or in Detroit would be worse. Catching a cold or flu bug that caused my surgery here to be delayed would be highly likely to screw up both my business and the rest of my summer. Given how run down I am, four flights and a weekend at a convention sounds like a sure recipe for that.

So, yes, I'm being sensible. Sensible is not fun. Sensible feels old. I've never been good at admitting or believing I'm human, that I can't do everything I want to do. Heck, if I had my way, I'd be at ConQuesT and at Plokta.con and at WisCon this weekend. And I'd not need the surgery, either.

As you can no doubt tell from all the whinging, I'm living in my cranky pants right now. I know I'm making a good decision, one that reflects and respects the reality that is my life at the current time. Usually when I do that, a reasonable measure of satisfaction accompanies the choice. Not this time. This time I'm just plain annoyed, dammit.

Onward.