First things first

[gerisullivan]

Note to self: when reading something that sets off my hair-trigger suicide alert radar at screaming "red alert" levels, stop and check for context in minimal impact ways before escalating to more direct reality checks. Especially when nothing that friend has ever posted or said before set off the radar or otherwise suggested they might be at increased risk.

More about the minimal impacts, triggers, and my reactions behind the cut. I name no names, though some will be obvious to those who have one or more chunks of context.

For example, checking for context when reading my LiveJournal friends list means clicking through to the person's journal to see if there are other posts I might have missed, posts that would tell me that the friends-locked, comment-disabled quote that reads like a suicide note most certainly isn't one. If I'd done that immediately I would have seen yesterday's post, the one I missed, the one that said they were going to have to say a really hard goodbye today. Death, yes. Not their death, not suicide, but death, hard death.

I should have checked their journal before interrupting one friend's phone conversation with her husband to get said friend's phone number. And certainly before calling the friend whose post has that WTF adrenaline rush plunging me back into the horrors of losing not just one but two loved ones to suicide.

Because the triggers are always going to be there. Some obscure, some blatant. Some are just plain thoughtless or appallingly stupid and irresponsible, like the person on a mailing list last week who said he wasn't entirely tongue-in-cheek when he posted that shooting yourself was the appropriate response to messing up a convention so bad that it had to be canceled at-con (or after people had started traveling to it).

Some triggers are rock-solid real, others are clearly spoken and posted in response to non-suicidal life crises. Clearly spoken and posted if the listeners and readers have the context, that is.

Further note to self: while checking for context in a lower impact way would have been useful, picking up the phone and calling was certainly better than pursuing any of the higher-impact responses on the options list. Yes, slowing down a bit after getting the context clue along with the necessary phone number would have been good, too, but turning off or tamping down adrenaline-fueled reactions isn't a fast process.

For the record and my memory, this all happened after a full nine hours of sleep. I don't think sleep deprivation was a significant factor as it so often is. I think this one was straight hair-trigger suicide risk reaction syndrome.

It sure released it a lot of adrenaline.

Bath now, I think. Lush bath. Then on to the work at hand. The work, and the amusements, too. Life's full of both. That's a darned good thing, especially given the hard times and tragedies it has such a nasty habit of bringing our way.

Comments

[guppiecat]

I can certainly relate, though I've chosen to handle such incidents differently than you have. (This comment deliberately obscure, as such conversations are best had in person.)

[marsgov.livejournal.com]

I hope you find your balance. And, above all, at least you care enough to respond.

[doclnghair.livejournal.com]

How about one simple fact. You have so much love in you that when something hits the warning buttons you don't take a chance, but do whatever you can to be there if needed. Tis not a fault but simply one of the many reasons your friends love you so dearly.

[smofbabe.livejournal.com]

Concern for a friend is a very endearing trait so don't beat yourself up too much. Next time, might want to contact a mutual friend to do a reality check but that's hard to do in a panic, I know.

[fredcritter.livejournal.com]

I don't share your triggers but I certainly was very worried when I read that post (and did what you are suggesting to yourself—I looked back at previous posts to see if there was a context that would cause it to make sense in some way other than the most obvious). Learn the lesson, yes, but don't kick yourself about it. As others say, it's not just that you're touchy on the subject—it's also that you care about and love your friends so deeply.

[kalmn.livejournal.com]

oh, hon.

i'm glad you're all right. i'm glad your friend is all right.

[buttonlass.livejournal.com]

I can totally see how you would dive right in when faced with such a thing. I'm grateful there are people who care so much hanging round.:)

[gerisullivan.livejournal.com]

Makes sense. I look forward to the opportunity to have such conversations, and many others, too.

[gerisullivan.livejournal.com]

Yes, it really is a matter of needing to find my balance. Thank you for reminding me of that.

I'm afraid my response was based in selfishness. I was in self-defense mode -- I needed to know what prompted the post to make my pain go away. I needed to know that the message wasn't what it looked like.

And if it had been what it looked like? I'm afraid I need to find balance there, too. Because that much pain and fury gets in the way of productive intervention and help.

[minnehaha.livejournal.com]

I don't think your strong reaction was inappropriate, given what you knew when you had it. It's a goodness to tell your friends that they matter to you.

K.

[marsgov.livejournal.com]

Pain and fury have their place as motivators, but they must serve your goals.

I'm a member of the Jack Vance school of thought — that our human emotions make us human. I don't have the quote to hand, but it's along the lines of

No man should ever resist an act of passion without effort. No man should ever enter a building without a small thrill at the wonder of human accomplishment.

Your emotions can drive you without clouding your judgment.

[lollardfish.livejournal.com]

When I read the post, knowing what it was about already, I was taken aback. "God," I thought, "that looks like a suicide note."

So, seems like the right reaction to me.

[madtruk.livejournal.com]

I love you anyway-more because. So thank you.

Though I must say, if I'm going to leave a suicide note, damn straight I'm using my own lyrics

;-)

Sigh...so sad. I need the funny.

[gerisullivan.livejournal.com]

Bless you -- you just made me laugh. And about suicide even.

Yes, so sad. I won't say more on that topic, given the comments disabled part of things.

When my sister-in-law committed suicide, she left a note. I was deeply thankful for that and vowed to myself that if I were ever to do the same that I, too, would leave a note. I'd make it clear so my loved ones wouldn't be left wondering whether it had been an accident or deliberate.

Eight years later, my brother killed himself. I went through that particular agony all over again and emerged from it with a vow to never, ever do myself in as long as there was anyone in this world who loved me. Well, with a "terminal illness out" and even that's iffy now that I've seen how smooth things can be with good hospice care. It would depend on the circumstances, no doubt. But as for the usual "can't bear to go on" reasons for suicide, my own "can't bear to hurt even a single loved one that way" trumps completely.

As I mentioned to marsgov above, my call yesterday was based in selfishness far more than the caring and compassion so many are attributing it to. Yes, the caring and compassion are there, ever-present, as I hold you and your family near and dear in my heart. But confirming that the hair-trigger red alert was indeed a false alarm was much more a matter of the twice-traumatized person that's a part of who I am crying out "don't hurt me, don't hurt me. No, no, never again, don't hurt me or any of the people I love. Don't hurt yourself, don't hurt the world this way. Don't hurt me."

Life's joys, life's agonies. There are so many of them.

Let's have pie. Mine's lemon meringue, please. Or rhubarb custard, warm from the oven.